As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve had to break down my past few weeks and months into smaller segments in order to share what I’ve been learning with you. Today I share with you a lesson God has been teaching me about the word “normal”.
Have you ever used the expression, “When things get back to normal…”? Or “I just want things to get back to normal.”
It’s an interesting phrase.
It can mean –
- getting back to the familiar
- getting back to the comfortable
- getting back to the safe place
I remember sitting on Diane’s couch in October and her presenting us her wish – the great honor and responsibility of caring for her beloved daughter, Bianca. I knew saying yes not only meant that we would be there for Bianca once Diane went to be with the Lord, but it meant we would walk through the sad reality of Diane’s final days together. There would be pain. There would be deep grief. There would be tears.
One night just a few days after my visit to Diane’s house I awoke feeling anxious. My heart was racing wildly. I don’t remember dreaming and can’t say what stirred me awake but I began to consider the road ahead. Nothing was yet set in stone and I wondered to myself if I could watch a girl lose her mom, if I could do a good job caring for her in the days, weeks and months ahead, if I could successfully give her and my three children what they needed in a healthy balanced way. I felt panic rise up with in me. I began praying, “God, is this too much for me? For us? Is this your plan?” My flesh began to long for safety. All of the sudden, I wanted things to “go back to normal.” I sheepishly told God, “God, if you want us to do this we will; but, if not, that’s fine too.” Then as clearly as if God was speaking audibly I heard God say to my heart, “What if what I want to give you is better than ‘normal’.”
What if what God wanted to give us was better than normal?
All of my fears of inadequacy, all my fears for Bianca, all my fears for my own family became quiet. A sense of peace came over me. God had clearly led us on this path. Certainly, He would lovingly lead and provide for Diane, Bianca and for me. I quietly drifted back to sleep feeling confident in God’s plan.
The next morning, I got up to spend time in God’s Word and came across a verse that I knew had been meant for me that morning.
Psalm 59:16 says, “But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.
God was reminding me He is my fortress and refuge when I was gripped with fear or doubt. He would also be that for Bianca when we face hard times and challenges.
Two days after Diane passed away, I woke up in a fog. I went down to the couch and fought to open my eyes. It was after 10 am and Bianca and the rest of the kids were still asleep. Fear gripped me once again. We were now home and this was “for real”. I felt a huge gaping hole in the absence of Diane. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Nothing seemed right.
The questions began to flood in.
What if I do a poor job in helping Bianca grieve the loss of her mom?
What if I don’t know what to say and when to say it?
What if I don’t say enough?
What if I say too much?
What if I miss important clues to what she needs?
I felt myself retreating into the wish for normalcy. And once again, very clearly, I felt God whispering, “Remember that what I have for her, for you, for your family is better than normal.”
“Normal”. It’s an interesting place. I’ve spent a lot of time considering the phrase, “going back to normal”. That’s not an option for Bianca. For her there is no normal any more. And I won’t try to go back either. I’m beginning to think that God’s not interested in us finding normal.
In fact, I believe “normal” can be the very thing that keeps us from exactly the thing God desires for us.
Normal can keep us from the abundant.
He gives grace for each new day. Each new challenge. He is beckoning us all on to what is “better than normal.” It will likely be harder, scarier, more challenging than “normal” but most certainly better. So, I’ll go on with God. I’ll look to Him each day for my daily bread. I’ll look to Him for the strength and wisdom to be what Bianca needs and Diane hoped for. I’ve decided to stopped trying to “get back to normal.”
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What about you? Are you scrambling to get back to normal? What if what God wants for you is “better than normal?” Maybe it’s time to find out.
