PINIMAGEOkay, I’ll just go ahead and put it out there. I’m 44. It still shocks me to say it. I was telling my sister just the other day, “When I ‘fixed up’ in my early thirties, I could go pretty much all day and feel pretty good. Hair looks good, makeup in place. But in my forties, I have about a four-hour window before everything goes south. A glance in the mirror reveals my hair has lost its shape and my makeup fell off somewhere when I wasn’t looking. It’s like Cinderella at the ball only I don’t get until midnight. I get until about 11:00AM!”
Something else that plagues me in my forties is my husband’s effort to solve whatever it is that might be ailing me. (And he offers his thoughts IN ALL SERIOUSNESS in hopes of helping me get to the bottom of things.)
ME: Wow, is it hot in here?
MARK: Maybe it’s menopause.
ME: I don’t know why but my moods go up and down so often lately.
MARK: Maybe it’s menopause.
ME: I’m so tired. I feel worn out from running the kids around.
MARK: Maybe it’s menopause.
ME: I feel anxious. I feel discouraged.
MARK: Maybe it’s menopause.
Now, before you go and agree with him:
- Number one – I’m not ready to start talking about such things.
- Number two – the average age for menopause is 51. A LONG WAY OFF, …Right?
- Number three – Even if there is an ounce of truth in it, he’s not helping!
But I’m going to get a little candid and say, there are times I struggle with feeling like a ‘good Christian’. Sometimes, my heart feels yucky. I get cynical. People and situations can easily frustrate me and I don’t like how I feel. Sometimes, my heart attitude makes me feel as though even God must be pretty disappointed in me. And that doesn’t help matters. Instead, it creates a distance between us.
I mean I’ve been a Christian for over 25 years. Why am I still not getting it right sometimes? Shouldn’t it be smooth sailing in the attitude department? Shouldn’t I flit around from place to place blessing everyone I meet?
So, why the struggle sometimes to find joy? Why do I struggle to find victory? Why the struggle to die to self and selfish motives? Why do I fear? Why do I doubt?
Because the truth is, I will still contend with the flesh until Christ takes me home.
I still contend with the flesh.
This morning, I was lamenting my condition to the Lord in my journal and I came upon a verse in my quiet time. King David wrote in Psalm 139:23-29,
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
David was inviting God to “get to the bottom of things” in his heart because he knew that God’s desire was to lead him along the path of everlasting life. He knew that if God was leading him along the path of everlasting life it meant He was also leading David away from destructive attitudes and behaviors that lead to death.
I’ll be honest, this prayer is a hard one to pray.
I would rather God see me at my best (you know, like during those four good hours of my day)
Let’s not dig down and find all the stuff I don’t like about me.
Search me, God?
Know my heart?
Point out what offends You?
If you search me, God, what you find might be ugly. I don’t think I even want to know.
So why even bother to go there if I can keep it all hidden down inside. Do you think God is surprised by what is in the deepest part of me? Do you think He will uncover something He didn’t already know? No. Then why does He want me to ask Him to search me?
Perhaps so I can see.
Although I know I will struggle against my flesh until I take my last breath here on earth, I don’t ever want to step aside from the path of everlasting life. I know this means God will uncover my anxious thoughts. I know this means God will point out what offends Him. I also know that His examination of my heart is good for me. I know it brings with it a victorious outcome. He doesn’t show me my sin without a plan to overcome it. He comes into my junk and offers life, abundant life, no matter what I face or how I feel.
I’d like to point out here that I love how David expresses in today’s passage his confidence in God and His mercy. Notice he doesn’t say, “God, see if there be any wicked way in me and if I haven’t gone too far, please lead me in the way everlasting.” He counts on God’s abundant mercy and grace to reach him no matter how far away he feels or how deep a sin he harbors.
Let’s make it our prayer for God to show us what hinders His fellowship with us and let’s do away with it. Confess it to Him. Let’s ask Him to give us the power to overcome it. Let’s get the obstacles out of the way so we can enjoy His presence today and always.
