I remember a night 13 years ago, being fast asleep in a hospital bed 3 days after my first child, Abby was born. Abby was a 9 pound, 22 inch beautiful baby girl. It was a rough 36 hour labor that ended in an emergency c-section. I was suffering from an infection and had lost a lot of blood. So, I remained in the hospital for a blood transfusion that was scheduled for the following day. With encouragement from the nurses, I decided to put Abby in the hospital nursery that night because I was completely exhausted and had no strength. .jpg)
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I remember being gently shaken awake around 3:00 AM by the doctor who had checked in on me earlier that night.
Why in the world would he be waking me up? He knew I was exhausted and weak.
Couldn’t we talk in the morning?
Once I was coherent he told me, in a low, calm voice that there had been a development with Abigail. She had stopped breathing and the doctors and nurses were attending to her at that very moment. He told me they were doing everything they could for her and that he needed to get back to the nursery. No one was in my room so I slowly threw my legs over the side of the hospital bed, grabbed the contraption where my IV and pain meds hung and made my way to the door.
I opened it and turn to my left to see the glass nursery window and 8 or so people standing around the crib where Abby was laying. My blood coursed through me like a swarm of bees. My heart pounded out of my chest. Honestly, I couldn’t make my feet take the steps to get to her. I stood there frozen in fear. I watched and waited for what seemed like hours but I’m sure were just moments until a nurse came to help me down the hall. She told me that Abby was breathing again but they were taking her to the NICU. The nurse explained that it seemed Abby would become so relaxed when she fell asleep she was forgetting to breath. (I looked down at the IV in my arm and thought about my morphine drip and all the drugs they had me on. I was nursing Abby…certainly that had to have SOMETHING to do with it. She assured me it didn’t. I was not fully convinced. What else would cause her to become so still and deep in sleep that she would just stop breathing?) I went and sat outside the NICU while they got her set up and waited to get close to her and just touch her again. She stopped breathing 5 more times through the night but the doctors watched her carefully and responded immediately.
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We both spent 2 weeks in the hospital. My infection cleared up and the blood transfusion helped me feel alive again. Abby grew stronger every day. I’d love to say that they knew what caused her episodes but we never got an answer. I just remember leaving the hospital with an apnea monitor and a beautiful baby girl. Coming home was very emotional for me after all of the excitement surrounding Abby’s birth. Little did I know, this was just scratching the surface of understanding the deep love and concern a mother feels for her child.
It’s hard to believe 13 years have come and gone. There are so many memories that have been recorded in my mind. Abby has been a joy and a treasure.
I remember thinking to myself all throughout my pregnancy that once Abby was here I could stop worrying. (I know…if you’re a mom, you are chuckling at that!) It was just the beginning! Someone once said that having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. So much truth in that!
I have learned that moms worry. I’ve tried to make a habit of turning my worries into prayers. I know the worries will continue to come…just like drivers ed, the first boyfriend – the list goes on. I’m just going to keep loving, keep praying and keep trusting God.
Today Abby celebrates her 13th birthday day. And I celebrate her. I celebrate the treasure that she is and all the reasons loving her makes my heart hurt. Where has all the time gone? I’m not going to try to figure it. I’m just going to enjoy today.
As a gift for her birthday, I did a stylized photo shoot (hair, makeup and wardrobe) – these were some of my favorites from the shoot.
Nancy - She’s beautiful, inside and out! My memory of her birth was much more traumatic than you described. Talk about your heart walking around outside your body…..But You And Mark were amazing….so young, so trusting, so ready to do whatever had to be done. I aged 10 yrs that year……but I’d do it all again for Abby, for any of my beautiful kids and grand kids. Can’t wait to be together and celebrate! XO
Laurie Sadler - She is absolutely beautiful!!!! Don’t think the worry stops when they grow up either or the heartache. Mine are 37, 34 and 33 and I still worry and have heartache over them. We change churches, careers and even sometimes friendships but we never stop being a mom.