Tammy On Tuesday – I Will Fear No Evil

PINIMAGEI once heard it said that having children is like watching your heart walk around outside your body.  I’m sure any mother out there can relate.  I have a friend who is in the middle of a health battle with one of her children and there have been many bumps in the road.    It’s been a long and grueling journey thus far and it’s not over.  While talking with her and getting updates, I sometimes feel helpless.  I want to say something that would comfort her.  I want to do something to ease her pain.  But there are times when words are not enough, where you can’t make enough meals or send enough cards.  It’s at those times where you simply pray and trust God to give His sustaining grace.  In order to pray for God’s sustaining grace for someone…you must believe He freely gives it.

Have you ever found yourself praying for a friend or loved one and doubting God’s ability or desire to act?

Sometimes it seems the only way God can cure a person from the disease of doubt is to carry them through tragedy.

God has done this very thing in my life more than once.  But I felt led, this Tuesday, to share  my experience with God’s grace specifically in the life of my son, Hudson.  The following is a letter I wrote just after a near death experience for Hudson just before his first birthday.

Hudson, My Little Blessing
March 21, 2003

Well, we’re home.

This morning I received an e-card that said, “When our vision is clouded by circumstance, God sees clearly. When our understanding is shadowed by questions, God knows perfectly. When our path is shaded with uncertainty, God leads faithfully. -He writes EVERY detail of our lives with love!” — When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2 B

My heart is full of joy today as I write to you because I know just a little more what means to be a child of God. I want to give account of what miracle has taken place this past week but as I look back on what has happened, I realize the miracle began long ago, as God was preparing us for what we’ve just come through.

Twice over the winter months, Hudson had been to the hospital with a viral illness- once in December where he was hospitalized over night with IV fluids for dehydration and once in February when he was seen in the ER for lethargy due to a bad cold. The hospitals did blood work both times and and found nothing that would explain his condition.   The doctors in both accounts chalked it up to him not handling viral illnesses as heartily as other children.  In every other way, they assured us he was perfectly healthy.

Little did we know that we would find out otherwise when we left to sing with Calling Levi (our vocal ministry) this past weekend.

For a long time our group had been scheduled to sing in Enfield, CT on Sunday morning, March 16.  I’m the scheduling coordinator for our ministry and I tried for months to schedule a Sunday evening concert somewhere in that area. No opportunities opened up for us.  My last attempt was Wednesday of last week. I guess it was a last ditch effort.  It is just unusual for us to have a Sunday evening open. But since no concert was scheduled, we decided to pack up after the morning service and head home.

While we were setting up Saturday evening prior to the concert, Hudson got sick and began to vomit and show signs of a viral illness. I figured I’d watch it carefully and, when we got home Sunday, I could make sure he got extra rest and attention. Through the night, Hudson continued to vomit – 6 times in all. He seemed tired but I assumed it was because it was nighttime and he would be more alert in the morning. He did seem a little better by morning. He hadn’t vomited for several hours. So we did our concert while he slept. I felt more confident that he just needed to get home and in his own crib.  I assumed the worst was over.   Just before we headed back to Delaware,  Hudson vomited once again. Knowing Hudson’s inability to fight well against viral illness, we thought it’d be good to just go to the nearest ER and get some IV fluids before we left. We didn’t even know if they would do it.

We were admitted in the ER at 3:00pm and Hudson was given 2 bags of IV. It took an hour to find a vein because he already was showing signs of dehydration. Still we thought, in a couple of hours, we’d be on our way home. We were wrong.

Hudson continued to get worse. My usually active smiley boy, began to get very lethargic.  They decided to run all the general blood work and x-rays.  Everything was normal. Finally, someone suggested  a glucose test. In a normal healthy child, the glucose reading would be somewhere between 70-110. In a very sick child, it can be something like 50. Hudson’s reading in the ER was 12. The medical staff immediately began to race around, talking fast and making plans. I saw panic on some of their faces.  THIS WAS NOT GOOD!  I was confused and worried.

With all the noise and chaos around us, Hudson was becoming more and more unresponsive.   I’d call his name and get in his face and he would just lie there looking blankly right through me. He didn’t fuss, cry or even fight all the picks and prods of the nurses. He just lay there lifeless. In all the confusion, no one took the time to explain what was going on until finally a nurse came in and told us they would be flying him to the Connecticut Children’s Medical Center of Hartford and that the helicopter was on it’s way. She told us this was the only way to save Hudson’s life.

The drive would be 45 minutes to an hour so I begged that they let me ride with Hudson in the helicopter. They refused. Stunned, Mark and I  jumped in the back of the pastor’s car and headed to Hartford. Once in the back seat of the car, the tears came and came hard.  The whole way there we sat crying and praying in our hearts that God would keep him safe. I have to admit here and now that I was doubting God!  I was afraid that God would remain silent when we needed Him most.  I prayed, “God, I sing about You.  I have believed in You.  But it is in this dark hour that I need you most.  Are you there?  Are you listening?  Don’t leave us here alone!  Show me you are listening!”  Then God spoke…perhaps you’d call it a whisper but it was clear to my heart.  As I ended my prayer we were taking the hospital exit.  When we did, we found ourselves on HUDSON STREET – the street in front of the hospital!  Now, this could’ve been Brown Street or Washington Street or Magnolia Street but it was HUDSON STREET!  I knew God was saying to my heart, “This is all part of my plan. This is where Hudson needs to be.”

We arrived at ICU and believe it or not, we had lost no time.  They were wheeling Hudson into a room as we arrived.   They hooked him up to all kinds of machines.  Again, talking a lot of doctor jargon I didn’t understand. So, I looked for some kind of assurance from the doctors that he was all right and this is something they had seen a lot. I watched their faces.  The assurance didn’t come.  In fact, it seemed they were just taking a stab in the dark to try to get him stabilized.  There was even talk of a blood transfusion. And he just lay there. No struggle at all.

A nurse escorted us away from Hudson while they worked and told us to go and rest in this closet like room.   Almost in shock, we followed her, shut the door, got down on the cots and began to pray. I kept telling myself, “The ICU is the best place for Hudson and there is nothing more I can do but pray.”  I had to trust the doctors.  I had to trust God with what little trust I had in me.   After I had prayed and cried all that I could, I decided to go back to Hudson’s room and just sit.  Finally, in the middle of the night, a ray of hope.  Hudson began to fuss a little. This was very good. He was responding to the medication.

I noticed a TV/VCR in the hall and asked if I could wheel it in next to his bed. I also asked if they had any Veggie Tales videos. That’s Hudson’s favorite. Whenever we would play the videos at home, he would dance and sway in his seat.  He loves Veggie Tales.  The nurse replied, “We’ve got Barney, and Blues Clues…etc.” I said I really needed Veggie Tales. She sent someone to look for one for me and encouraged me to get some sleep.  She told me that Hudson was resting and regaining his strength.  She said he would need a rested mommy when he became more alert.  Feeling reassured that things were looking up, I headed back to the little room to try to get some sleep. I slept for about 2 ½ hours.

As I returned to Hudson’s room, the nurse excitedly ran up to me and said, “Hey, we found the Veggie Tales on another floor and as soon as I put it in, Hudson stopped fussing, opened his eyes and started watching the video!” She told everyone on the floor. She couldn’t believe that the video would grab his attention like it did.  Needless to say, we saw A LOT of Veggie Tales this week.

It’s funny, because we were there for a week and people were bringing us Veggie Tale Videos.   We played them around the clock and so many times during our hospital stay, God has used these videos to speak to me. One song said, “God’s way is the best way. That’s why I know, He loves me so. God’s way is the best way, and that’s the way for me.” Another said, “The battle is not ours. We look to God above, for He will guide us safely through and guard us with His love. I will not be afraid. I will not run and hide. For there is nothing I can’t face when God is at my side.” Funny how you can learn God’s truth from little cartoon vegetables.

PINIMAGEBy noon, Monday Hudson was moved to a regular room. The rest of our time was focused on recovery and a diagnosis. From the beginning, the doctors suspected a metabolic disease. On Wednesday, their suspicions were confirmed. Hudson has MCADD.  It just so happened that the head geneticist on staff at this Connecticut hospital was one of the few who have studied this disease and knew the indicators for it.  He explained to me that many doctors are still learning about this disease and how it affects children.  Consequently, many children have gone undiagnosed and the results have always been tragic.

We learned from the geneticist team that this disease can be fatal. One in four children with MCADD die and many suffer from mental retardation. We also learned that 1 in 40 people are carriers and Mark and I are BOTH that 1 in 40.  The danger is in not knowing your child has it. MCADD (Medium Chain Acyl-coa Dehydrogenase Deficiency) is a rare condition in which the child doesn’t produce the medium chain enzyme in the liver to break down fat for energy. When children are sick, they need to break down their fat stores for energy and MCADD children just don’t have the ability to do so. 1 in 10,000 children have MCADD.  But the doctors assured us that now that we were out of the initial crisis, we can move forward confidently by reacting to Hudson’s viral illnesses with precautions in place.

The doctors who would visit us throughout the week were constantly saying  “I don’t think you know how lucky you are that your son is alive.” Or “You are so lucky things turned out the way they did.”

I thought to myself, I wouldn’t want to leave such a weighty burden in the hands of luck!   I needed more.  I needed a loving God who hears my prayers and acts on my behalf.  All during this nightmare, I felt God in a sense cradling me as I would my own children.  He was so patient with me and loving.  He did not react harshly to my questions and anger.  He did not punish me for my  fears.  He simply whispered in each moment of need, “I am with you and I AM!”

During Hudson’s final examination, prior to discharge, the doctors warned us that the 12 blood sugar could very possibly have affected Hudson and caused permanent neurological damage.  They would not know the extent of the damage until Hudson is tested at the age of 2.  I did notice that he was no longer babbling or talking.  No “ma-ma” or “da-da”.  It was possible he had experienced damage but I decided in my mind, “We will cross that bridge when we come to it. And we won’t cross it alone.”

We were discharged from the hospital in CT and sent to AI Dupont Children’s Hospital in Delaware. After consulting with the Geneticists there, we were able to come home.

I sit here this Friday evening, on our first day home, and I realize we’ve traded a week of our lives for a better glimpse of who God is. Looking back on the week and the tragedy we had come through, we saw God’s hand at every turn.

• He prompted us to go to the ER when had made up our minds to head home.
• He gave us a doctor who studied and knew how to diagnose MCADD
• He gave us Hudson Street
• He provided a pastor friend who drove us at midnight to the hospital and taxied us around as needed.
• He encouraged us through messages from the strangest places – like the Veggie Tales videos
• He gave us friends all over the country contacting us and telling us they are praying.

After all that has taken place I am able to gain strength and hope for the future from Jeremiah 29:11 Says, “For I (God) know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”  I always thought it was up to me to keep my children from harm.  That I would be the one to “not let anything bad happen to them!”  Then I found myself here where everything was out of my control.  Here in this helpless barren place I found that  I cannot…But God CAN!  God showed me, even death has no power over a child in His hand.  I am tired.  I am depleted.  But God is my strength!  What a lesson I’ve learned!

God is good and because He is good, life is good.
Thank you for your prayers.

Love, Tammy

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Just as a word of update.  Hudson suffered slight developmental delays from the low blood sugar up until he was almost three years of age.  I am happy to say that he has caught up with his peers in every area of testing and is a thriving 9 year old.  He has MCADD but he’s living symptom free. Hudson is my miracle.  The miracle through Hudson’s battle with MCADD is wonderful. Yes!  But the miracle in my heart is even bigger to me. God has used Hudson’s disease to cure me from the disease of doubt.  I gave my heart to God as a girl and He continues to prove His love to me daily in battles big and small.  Through all of this I can confidently say, “HE IS FAITHFUL!”

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MY CUP OF TEAPINIMAGE

I mentioned on Facebook that I am postponing the Jeggings blog post until next week.  There I will announce the winner of the free pair of Maurice Jeggings.  So, today, I am offering as my give-away a devotional book that is actually out of print.  It’s called “A Very Present Help”.  This book has been paramount in helping me to put perspective on the hard things I face in life.  I have been buying copies on Amazon and giving them to friends going through hardship over the years.  I cannot describe to you the healing ointment this book has often been to life wounds I’ve experienced.  The writer is the late Amy Carmichael whose story has been an inspiring reminder for me as she shares insights from God through her own suffering.  Probably my favorite devotional book of all time – and specific to people going through suffering.  Simply comment on today’s blog and you can be entered to win the drawing for a copy of this book.

And this weeks blog post winner is (chosen by random generator) – Sandi Campbell – please contact us with your mailing information and we will get your gift right out to you!

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