OUCH…that really hurts! – friendship woes.
Proverbs 18:24 – A man that has friends must show himself friendly.
The Bible puts it plain and simple. If you want good friends, you need to BE a good friend.
But what happens when you feel you’ve been misunderstood or misinterpreted. Perhaps someone doesn’t WANT to be your friend and you don’t know why.
My husband has recently (within the past 2 years) received a call from God to be a pastor. And what does that make me??? A pastors wife. Now that’s a tall order! I’m eager to embrace this calling but in the past year, I have (more than ever) begun to ponder what other’s might be thinking of me. Do they think I’m friendly? Do they think I’m genuine?
Some know me. Some don’t. And some think they know me but don’t. And even with the right intentions…I’ve come to the realization I’m going to be misunderstood and misinterpreted.
Several months ago, I was faced with some tough criticisms. I thought to myself, “Oh, I’ll fix it. I’ll say ‘hi’ more. I’ll smile more. I’ll be better at sending birthday wishes and on and on.” In this attempt to be “better” I found myself spinning my wheels. Do you ever feel that way? Misunderstood? Misinterpreted?
It’s hard to hear sometimes that someone has made false assumptions and accusations. What do you do with that?
Well, God has been really speaking to my heart about this specific issue in my life. He’s been telling me, “Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to be what YOU think people want you to be. Don’t despair. Don’t strive. Just look to ME.” In fact just a few days ago I read a devotional so applicable to this dilemma it was as if God Himself, called me on the phone to encourage me. This is what He said:
From the devotional Jesus Calling: October 12 “Beware of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes. There are several dangers to this practice. First of all, it is nearly impossible to discern what others actually think of you. Moreover, their views of you are variable: subject to each viewer’s spiritual, emotional, and physical condition. Your concern to please others dampens your desire to please Me, your Creator. It is much more real to see yourself through MY eyes. My gaze upon you is steady and sure, untainted by sin. Through MY eyes you can see yourself as one who is deeply, eternally loved. Rest in My loving gaze and you will receive deep PEACE.”
So what have I LEARNED in today’s Learn & Live post…
- You are going to have great friends in this life – love on ‘em!
- You’re going to have challenges as you cultivate new relationships with people but just because it’s hard and just because you may be misunderstood, don’t give up on them.
- You’re going to face the probability that you’ll have to be vulnerable in order to develop deep and lasting friendships.
- You’re going to be misunderstood and not everyone is going to be in your cheering section.
- You may need to give someone a break. Could it be you’ve misunderstood or misinterpreted someone who deserves a second chance?
Today, as you go through your busy schedule, don’t forget to be a friend. And more importantly don’t forget you have a friend…In Christ.
MY CUP OF TEA
You may have figured out from today’s post that one thing that I would consider “My Cup of Tea” is the devotional book, Jesus Calling.
And guess what? You can own a copy too. I am going to give away one copy of Jesus Calling. You can enter the drawing by sharing your thoughts on today’s blog post.
AND THE WINNER OF A COPY OF JESUS CALLING IS…..(chosen by a random generator) STEPHANIE MOROZ! Thanks to everyone for sharing. Hope you’ll keep your eye out for the next “Tammy On Tuesday”.
Candice - What an awesome post!!! Rah, Rah, Rah!!! I am cheering for you girl:)
Diane Smith - Tammy – Just keep on being you. You are a wonderful talented woman and it thrils my heart to see how you have grown into a sweet, caring, wonderful woman, mother, wife and friend. You bless my heart in all that you do and as you take on this new position as pastor’s wife you will do it to its fullest. God bless you, Mark, Stephanie, and Rob as you take on this new chaper of your life. You can only receive more blessings as you faithfully follow God’s calling. Love you all… Diane
Stephanie Hallum - Thank you sooo much for this!!! I really needed to hear this!! Ive been going thru some things and this is exactly what i needed to hear!! Thank you!!!
Joyce Britton - Thank you Tammy, this was so helpful as a “new” pastor’s wife. I too, found myself trying to make everyone happy, especilly with me. That is impossible. Keep up the good work. I sure you will be a good Pastor’s wife, it is in your genes.
Heather - Tammy, this is so good for me right now. Thanks for this 🙂
Cheryl Benson - I couldn’t agree more. I think as women, wives and mothers, we are pleasers and nurturers, so we tend to carry that into every aspect of our lives. So many times I have “caught” myself doing the same thing. Trying to figure out what I can do to please others, when if I would just realize I need to focus on pleasing God, He will give me everything I need. Thanks for the reminder in an area of constant struggle.
Jay Baines - Friendships are risky but worth the risk we take to build relationships. It is hard balance as we try and determine what may be true of our friends evaluations us and versus unrealistic expectations. The scripture does teach us that the wounds of a friend are faithful. I would recommend everyone to try and find the book, Quality Friendships by Gary Inrig. The best book on Friendships I have ever read!
Pamala McMorrow - I have often thought of what you said too. We should be only worried of what God thinks of us, still all the while trying to live the way he wants us to live. We will never be able to please everyone or make everyone understand us, but our true friends love us no matter what, just like Jesus does. Love your blog.
Stephanie Moroz - Tammy,I really feel like you were just speaking to me today when I read this. I have been feeling the same emotions lately. I have two really close girlfriends and a best friend I could call any time of day for advice, help or just to talk. But I have struggled with am I accepted, do people like me and so on and this just hit home with me today. So Thankyou because you helped enlighten me and opened my eyes to whats really important:)
Katie - My thoughts on today’s post are many. First of all, although I was looking forward to reading about the next trendy pair of jeans I need to buy once the baby weight is gone, I was pleasantly surprised by the spiritual “lift” I found reading about your cup of tea today. Second, I’m not sure who is criticizing or misreading you, but I find you to be pretty direct and “easy to read.” Third, I really liked the reminder to keep the focus on seeking God first and keeping His perspective in mind. Matthew 6:33.
robin - This really spoke to me. It is hard to be everything to everyone, but we aren’t supposed to be, that is HIS honor. We are so lucky to know that God will always be our faithful friend. Thanks for sharing.
Sherry Pickering - Thanks, Tammy, for these encouraging words! I am struggling in this area of my life too right now and needed some fresh perspective! I would like to add that as Christians we are called to be different from from the world and sometimes that means certain social circles and situations may just not be a good fit!
Jo - Tammy….I so needed this. I’ve been going thru a difficult time with a friend who has decided not to be my friend anymore because, well, to sum it up…she thinks I don’t need her. I really still don’t understand it. It hurts so much and I’m sure she’s hurting to but for me…I don’t understand why our friendship has to end. Why can’t we work thru whatever it is. Anyway, I don’t want to go on and on but thnk you so much. I really needed this. My eyes are filled right now : ( Love ya and thanks for all you do!
Sue Sweeney - Great wisdom in this “Cup of Tea” today. Thank you, Tammy, for bringing it to all of us. True friendship is one of God’s greatest blessings, as true friends will love you uncondtionally – they are there with you in good times and not so good times. I thank God for the true friends He has given me. I pray that I, in return, I can be a true friend to them.
Oh, and by the way Tammy, you will make a wonderful pastor’s wife. May God continue to bless you as you seek to serve Him.
neil webster - Hi Tammy,
Great job of describing and discussing the woes involved in developing and maintaining friendships. It is actually hard work and requires daily maintenance. On a personal level, I don’t really pursue friendships. If I had to name someone I would call a personal friend I don’t think I could think of anyone. When I mean friend I am specifically talking about people that you talk to frequently and actually spend time together. I do have an accountability partner but no one else. Rely basically on my family for my social needs. NOw having said that a pastor’s wife can’t do that. Being yourself is a good thing if you are a good person and I think that is why the being yourself thing doesn’t always work in a positive way. May God bless you as you address and live with the many demands in your life!
Jenny Pyryt - Great words, Tammy! I often wonder how others perceive me, when the only perception that matters is God’s. Thank you for being such a true, honest friend.
Bryn - Hey Tam, there is huge freedom in not comparing yourself to others too. I am in your cheering section!
Cathy DuVal - I have a very few close friends. Each one of them offers me something different in my life and in return I can offer them something different. I have lost many people in my life, whether from an argument, or God taking them home. And it alwas seem that when I have lost that person, there was always a argument between us. Got into an disagreement with my Dad’s other daughter, (step sis) and now he will not talk to me anymore. A friend and I argued over something and we haven’t spoken to each other in over 2 years. My mom and I argued before I left for church one day and when I had got home, I realized that she passed away while taking a nap. That is something that I have to live with the rest of my life. I know that friendships are not always rosey, but I get very anxious when my best friend don’t talk for a few days, did I do something wrong or say something? I can’t afford to lose another friend. Thank you Tammy
Mary - This was timely for me too. Five weeks ago, I began a journey into the past to deal and heal, which gives me hope for the present and the future. I have found a greater relationship with Him and with others. Thanks, Tammy, for always reminding us of God’s love!
Christine - Perfect time for me too – I wish we could be together to go through these things… there I go again, Seeking other women’s approval instead of God’s approval. 😉 Thanks!!
deana - As a pastor’s wife, it is hard, so hard to have the “gotta keep everyone happy” disease. But all we say and do is to be pleasing to God, not to man. If what we do is honoring to God, HE will take care of the rest…..this does not mean it is easy as we are human…but God gives us lots of grace!!
Keep servin’ HIM!
Til the Trumpet Sounds,
Deana
Candie Baldridge - I think we’ve all had these moments; these reflective moments where we realize it’s not about me or about how many people like me — it’s about Him and through Him people will see the real me.
I really enjoyed this post!
Jenn - This is so true and couldn’t have come at a better time 🙂 So thankful for all of you and your ministry, and may God continue to bless you abundantly!!!