Tammy On Tuesday ~ How Life Twists & Turns

PINIMAGE

Commit your works unto the Lord and your thoughts will be established.  Proverbs 16:3

Not long ago I was driving home from the dentist with Bianca and we were talking about what I did before we settled down here in Townsend, Delaware to plant a church. I reminded her of the ten plus years we traveled the country singing contemporary Christian music. We talked about the adventures of traveling on a bus and seeing other towns and cities. She asked why we sold the bus – why we stopped singing. I told her, “God changed our plans and led us to do what we are doing now.” After a moment of silence Bianca said, “And if you didn’t stop traveling you wouldn’t have me.”

A large knot formed in my throat while we shared this moment together.  As I considered the huge gaping hole Diane left and my promise to her before she died, I responded, “That’s right! And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

After a short while our ride grew quiet and I got lost in my thoughts. I thought back to another conversation I had with my oldest, Abby. Not long after we made the choice to become Bianca’s legal guardians, Abby and I were headed somewhere together in my car. (By the way, I don’t live in my car…It seems funny that much of what I’ve shared lately have been stories of car conversation.)

Abby said to me, “Mom, I think it’s really good that we are taking Bianca into our home. Remember a few years back when you had that miscarriage? Maybe it’s because God knew this would be His plan now.” What an observation for such a young mind! Again, I felt emotions brimming just ready to spill out. Maybe it’s because losing the baby still hurts when I think about it. Maybe it’s because I have learned that pain sometimes brings about beautiful things. And here my daughter was seeing it with her own eyes.

Just the same way a tree branches off into many directions, the choices we make in our circumstances not only affect us in the immediate but they also have an often greater long term impact.

I remember just weeks before I turned 39 finding out to my surprise that I was expecting. I had been warned for years by my doctor that, after 3 c-sections, trying for a fourth child would be too risky. Here I found myself, 4 years after the birth of Sophie, unexpectedly pregnant once again. I had always wanted four children. I can remember, even as a young person, listing it among the other things I planned for my life. So when the pregnancy test came back positive, I was elated. I felt this must be a gift from God. He was giving me the desire of my heart. All the warnings of the doctors were put aside in my mind because I knew if God set this in motion…He would surely come through. He would surely keep me safe.

You can imagine my disappointment as I went for my 12 week visit and we found no heartbeat. Devastated. Disillusioned. Angry. I mourned. I questioned. I wondered if my body failed me. It seemed in my human understanding to be a cruel joke. But I chose to trust God and He was faithful to me.

In my pain God was faithful to me.

You may be saying, “If God was good, if He was faithful, He wouldn’t have allowed the miscarriage in the first place.”

Oh, my friend. I serve a mysterious, loving and faithful God. Romans 11:33 says, Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways.  In His infinite knowledge and love He carried me through my grief. Psalm 34:18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Keep this verse in mind as I continue.)

Days and weeks passed. Years. And there were sometimes questions. “God, why? Will I ever know?” The answers didn’t come but God’s peace did and I rested in that.

I mean…the answers didn’t come until just recently, at least in part.

After Abby and I talked in the car, I thought about all the prayers for direction and the many forks in the road that brought us to where we are.

• Coming off the road to follow God’s call to plant a church. (A choice – A fork in the road.)
• Losing a baby at 39. (A choice – A fork in the road.)
• Putting our children in public school. (A choice – A fork in the road.)
• Meeting and choosing to step into a beautiful relationship with my friend Diane, Bianca’s mother. (A choice – A fork in the road.)

And here we are.

Me with four children to care for under my roof. How would I ever have imagined my story would unfold this way? Always twisting and turning. Each step impacting the next. God’s beautiful story dispensed in His mystery and faithfulness.   He knew that experiencing personal deep loss in my own heart would give me love and empathy for sweet Bianca as she grieves the loss of her mother.  I told you to remember a verse I shared earlier in this post. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” He’s allowing me to be part of her rescue story.

So today I’m reminded:

God makes beauty from ashes.

My individual, sometimes seemingly insignificant daily choices affect my story and possibly many stories.

When choosing, it’s not “what” but “Who”.

I choose God.

When choosing, it’s not what but Who.  I choose God.

How about you?

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in The Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

His way is the very best way. When the path seems uncertain and the way is masked in darkness He guides me. Proverbs 20:24 says, “The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”

They are important, you know – the choices we make in our circumstances. Think about where your choices are taking you. It’s never too late to hand things over to the One who knows best. He will pour out His grace and mercy. He will take you under His wing and redeem your story.

As you face a day full of choices…Choose God.